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women AHHHHH
Long and in two parts:
I.
Well, I've always had some difficulty with relationships and I've learned to take some ARRRAUGH with women along with the AHHHH. With an X of mine there ultimately was too much ARRRAUGH--far too much. I made a bargain with myself that she could live her life and me mine and just share the house. She eventually felt the bleakness of that arrangement and left. It was both of us not simply her. I think she found something better. I know I did--maybe I learned something about myself while we were together. Maybe she learned from me as well. In retrospect I'd describe her as spoiled as well.
From my simple view I think I've found that many women feel that men fill up a room and they need to defend themselves or become entirely alter egos. Women want to talk about feelings. They don't necessarily want their men to always explain or fix things--that's what filling up a room is about. When they're crowded they tend to use words to defend themselves and since many start out early in live talking to dolls, they tend to be better with words than most men--far better.
With my X I came to think of words as legal instruments of violence that my X welded far better than I. My tactic was to ignore her. I retained my respect for her music but lost any respect for her personality and intellectual integrity. She felt that and left--which was at least workable for both of us and probably more to her credit than mine.
It's like night and day with my wife for going on seven years now. I see how she's solved her own life problems and have complete respect for her as a person. Some the things she's dealt with left scars and I can bounce off them in ways that hurt a bit but that's OK. It's a far better life then I had any right to expect for my own sorry soul. I do tend to be long on fixing and explaining things and I do get THE WORDS from time to time. There's always a bit of ARRRAUGH in relationships. It goes away when I stop taking up so much space in the room.
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women AHHHHH
Long and in two parts:
II.
For the rest of it I don't presume to give advice. A psychiatrist I worked for back in my research days was musing about his profession and said 'Who do we think we are? A personality spends 20 years or more dealing with problems without a lot of help before we see them. They end up with their own ways of dealing with things some of which cause problems. An adult human personality is one of the more complex things in the universe and do we really think we can change much in something that took 20 years to develop? He also said that without changing things the profession can be pretty good at giving people the insight to identify situations they should stay out of before they find themselves there.
Hope this helps some. But, rest assured that everybody does have qualities that others will value in the right situations. Some of us have more trouble than others in finding those spots. Yes, and sometimes finding those spots comes from others rather than doing it all ourselves. It took me over 50 years to find mine and some of those were touch and go. Nothing wrong with net relationships--after all these are modern times and smetimes they can be just the spot. They don't quite have the AHHHH I mentioned though
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women AHHHHH
Oneace: My take on your comments is nothing like the above. But, opinions that cost nothing in the giving may hold little value, and mine is just another opinion.
More opinion, and just remember that it's cheap: You are the only person who knows what the problems are and what helps. Sounds to me like you are coming to grips with them and figuring out what works. You are the only person who can and there's nothing wrong with accepting some assistance doing it.
Each of us is a one-of-a-kind in that there's never been another person exactly the same. That does mean that nobody (absolutely nobody) is capable of judging another person. It also means that nobody else can be responsible for anther's life. We all bear that responsibility for ourselves and nobody else can or should try. Doesn't mean it's easy, and some us carry more baggage than others. Just hang in there and remember that you do contribute to the content of this board.
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women AHHHHH
Nature vs nurture sure is a complicated subject. A simple view is that we are born with very general capabilities and tendencies, but it's experience that makes for specific reactions to specific situations. Anything we experience never really goes away, it just becomes part of us and how we react. Nurture, especially during early years is a particularly important part of experience, and it can be good, bad or just inadequate for the situations in which persons later finds themselves.
The important point is that while nothing really goes away, the bad, the inadequate and also good parts of it can get diluted or concentrated by choices we make in later life. We get better at bringing what we can do to what we face and we also get better at picking our situations. We also can choose situations where what we can do is an advantage. The good news is that nothing is cast in stone and we get to choose a lot about what we are and what we do. The difficult part is making choices that keep making us better. The bad part of experience can be concentrated as well as diluted.
Bad experience can create 'tape loops' for us. We always react to the same thing in the same way, and those reactions may not be what we do well or help us at all--got to learn to step around those situations. I carry my own load of anger for my own reasons. I've learned that venting my spleen makes me feel better but doesn't do anything for anybody else. I can be right as rain at least in my own mind but my anger is my own thing. I didn't necessarily choose it but it's mine to manage. It does help me do some things as long as I don't dump it on others who may be just innocent bystanders. I've learned to do things in ways that don't keep playing those tape loops.
The choices I've made also are realistic for me. I'm an ordinary person and just an educated hick. I'd never be a pro athlete, movie-star lover or command a boardroom, and I'd give myself a bad time if I were stuck with those goals. I did find a career, played competitive sports as an adult and eventually found a life partner. Took awhile but it's eventually happy making stuff. WE GET TO MAKE CHOICES AND DON'T SWEAT THE NATURE STUFF.
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